Lately, I’ve had an important question on my mind. When are you too old to wear a thong? 40? 30? When your ass has official touched the back of your knees?

When you just look ridiculous in them” isn’t a satisfactory answer, because thongs are not solely about titillation. They also serve a functional purpose – they eliminate panty lines.

I despise panty lines. Not only are they unattractive, but they bring to mind the word “panty” – quite possibly the most horrible word in the English language. You can’t say “panties” without giggling or feeling just a little bit dirty.  Even 1959’s Anatomy of a Murder with Jimmy Stewart has a ten minute shtick about how they can’t say “panties” in the courtroom without the gallery cracking up. Of course, they also spend half the movie implying Lee Remick deserved to be raped for suggestively nudging a pinball machine.

Panty lines remind me of standing in the checkout at Talbots with my mother. Every woman there had panty lines, and we’re talking big old grandma panty lines. And apparently, once your tush flattens to a certain degree, you lose your ass crack. Talbots is crack-free as a rehab clinic. It’s crazy. I mean, even a Ken Doll at least has an ass crack. Of course, having a nice ass is probably pretty important to old Ken.

Every one of those ladies in Talbots appeared to be wearing diapers. Talbots and Depends should really do some sort of cross-promotional thing – buy a pair of  Talbots’ new “Pancakeass Khakis” and get a free box of Depends or something. I give this nugget of marketing gold to them free of charge.

So, how old is too old for a thong? What if they invent “Ass-crack Defining” thongs for older ladies? Will our retirement homes be filled with thong wearing octogenarians?

Maybe the test should be that you walk into a Victoria’s Secret or other lingerie store, and you ask the girl there where they keep the thongs.  If she happily squeaks “Right over here!” then you are still good to rock the thong.  If she blanches and appears to throw up a little in her mouth, then it is time to steer yourself to the full sized underwear section. Otherwise known as…

…wait for it…

PANTIES!

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